From Grieving to Standing Up

Sarah tried to hold back to much emotion and excitement when we first found out we were pregnant with our first child. I guess she knew somehow, had some kind of mother's intuition. But, I was the opposite, I was ecstatic, and I think it caught on to her although she wanted to hold a "guarded joy." She had some questionable problems with the pregnancy in the first few weeks before we got in to see a doctor.

At the appointment that her mom got to accompany her to, they saw the little baby and heard the heartbeat. Sarah began to let herself feel more comforted and embrace the baby. She was able to trust that it would go the whole nine months and that in August we would welcome Baby August into this world and hold it for the first time. A month passed, and on Friday February 4, 2011 we went together for the 2nd appointment. I was anticipating hearing my child's heartbeat for the first time, but there was no heartbeat. There was no life in my child anymore. I looked at my broken wife on the examining table and I had no idea what to do. I felt completely helpless, but not hopeless. I had so much anger in me, not surprising if you know me. But, what could I do besides cry and hold onto the only person who knew what I was going through right that moment, Sarah. The doctors apologized and left the room, I've been through some serious pain in my life, but I'd never felt so empty.

I wanted to be angry with God, not because I didn't believe in Him, but because I did... and I knew how powerful and sovereign He is. I thought that He could have done something so that this didn't need to happen. How selfish. I just didn't want Sarah and me to have to go through all this pain. But Baby August is okay and the first voice my child got to hear is the voice of God, and the first music my child gets to listen to is the lullaby of Angels. The more I understand this, the easier it has been to wipe away the tears and to laugh again. The more I try to see this whole dark mess through the eyes of God, the more I am comforted and at peace. But, I still wish that I didn't have to wait for Heaven to hold and kiss my first child. To tell my baby how much I love 'em while it can hear my voice. Sometimes I ask Jesus to give Baby August a hug and kiss for me, like a parent does for another parent when they are out of town.